Who Am I (as a Romantic Partner)?

My focus used to be about building “self-confidence” and “self-love.” I got it down pretty well, but factor in another person and I lost myself. I had to take breaks to find myself again.

I knew I had to figure who I am in a romantic relationship sooner or later especially with the goals I set for myself this year. I didn’t succeed in 3 months of online dating (12 first dates, 2 second dates, 1 third date, and being ghosted). I’ve always acted as an agreeable and cheery person, putting on a facade so that, when I was rejected, it was because they didn’t know the “real me.”

Lately, I’ve had hard feelings, hard conversations, and I’m learning more about myself and how I see the world.

Most of this is done with one person, transitioning our relationship and gaining a better understanding of the person as well as myself.

I’m trying not to shut down when I feel vulnerable. I can’t assume people can’t handle who I am if I don’t allow them to see me (gathered from Maddy’s podcast!). Side note: Maddy lives in Boulder! What a coincidence!

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Whatever may come of this, I’m reflecting and learning. I can’t say it’s all me – it’s this stranger person who I felt a unknowingly felt a connection with. Let’s say the law of attraction played a part because I really don’t know how else to explain the energy and connection I felt when I was plastered last year and when almost a year later, I heard his name, took it as a sign, and took a leap of faith.

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I was out of town once again this weekend but not to far. I drove north 2 hours to visit my friend Jordan.

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We hiked the Santa Paula Punch Bowls, somehow losing the obvious trail, crossing the river multiple times, and scrambling on rocks.

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We hit up our favorite spot in Ojai (Chief’s Peak) and then napped before going out to downtown Ventura in the evening.

I slept in and woke up to French press coffee, blueberry pancakes made with handpicked berries, and bacon. I have the best friends!

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I took my time getting home, stopping at Wildwood Regional Park to think and journal.

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I reminded myself of my worth, the things I’m good at (showing gratitude). I thought of what I could work on in relationships, including asking one of these questions a day to better understand people.

Like wildflowers; you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people you thought you never would.

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My weekend ended with a great coincidence! Hey law of attraction! I considered going to Bluestone Lane on my way north but didn’t. Before I left for home, I saw an offer for free $15 via Instagram and was able to nab a free cold brew and avocado toast!

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